My eulogy at the funeral of my dearly loved mom, Betty Jo Tolliver -- May 21, 2025
These days Facebook and social media are used in all kinds of ways – many of them kind of weird, and many not too helpful. But every now and then people do use them for good reasons and in encouraging, edifying kinds of ways.
I was reminded of that very poignantly when I started to read people’s comments about my dear Mom on my post that told of her passing. The posts and comments described her as kind and sweet and funny and reminded me of my mom and her life during her much happier days.
I think I appreciated that all the more because I, along with my sister, Karen, have, these last several weeks and months, and even during the last few years, watched as Mom suffered more and more and grew more and more unhappy.
It was the unhappiness that came with some difficult complications after her colon cancer surgery many years ago, and the unhappiness of realizing that some things she longed for in this life were probably just never going to happen.
And then there was the deep, deep sadness of losing her dearly loved husband, Paul who left this world, it seemed to us, way too soon.
Then before too long there was the unhappiness that came with her gradually deepening dementia accompanied by news of stage 4 breast cancer.
There was the sadness that went with her lifelong, quiet struggle with bouts of depression. And then in recent weeks she would, sorry to say, consider it a real cause for unhappiness to leave her much loved home, and her times surveying the neighborhood from her front porch, and make the move to assisted living near Becky and me in Lansing.
It was very hard to try to make her happy in those days, and to have to watch, instead, as she descended day by day deeper into sadness and into the confused dismay cruelly comes with dementia. There were still some bright and more contented moments, but there were fewer and fewer of them.
So as I said, once she had passed – and how that happened, and happened so quickly is not the story to tell today – but again, once I had posted on Facebook that she had died, I was caught off guard by how encouraged and heartened I was to see the comments about my beautiful, kind and well-loved mother, along with the shared remembrances of much better times when she had been so much more happy and hopeful….
So many of those times were times spent with family – she loved to connect occasionally with relatives from Bethel and Georgetown. (Her mother was one of 13 children!)
…But even more she loved to be with her children – Karen, Gary and me – and her grandchildren, and she had a special place in her heart for her great-grandchildren.
She was so proud of her grandsons, loved spending time with them, and prayed and hoped so deeply that they would be able to live happy lives.
And then there were all the happy, good and meaningful times with her beloved husband, Paul. Lots of times they’d be golfing together, often with their good friends, Sandy and Gary.
Or maybe it would be at special events like the annual Corn Festival, helping out a bit in making the delicious apple butter with the Tolliver clan – a time when she could team up with Paul in a cornhole competition or catch up on news of friends and family with Ruth and Velma. And mom always loved a good parade.
Mom and Paul would take all kinds of day trips, or watch one of the grandson’s little league games, or the school and sporting events of Natalie and Michelle.
They’d do puzzles, play cards, or croquet or ping pong. Or maybe it would be dominoes with Kim and Art – a match that would sometimes end with Art so magnanimously reminding my mom that’ ‘there’s no shame in losing to a superior player.’ (But seriously for a moment, Kim and Art have continued to be so kind and thoughtful to mom, right to the end. )
Mom and Paul enjoyed vacations together -- sometimes to Florida, or to the practice rounds at the Masters, or one time out west, with Mom’s father, Joe.
In addition to all this, a lot of my mother’s happiness throughout the happier days came from good times with very good friends. And in saying that my mind turns right away to her life-long friend, Mary Sue Kamphaus.
The two became friends in kindergarten and remained really more like sisters year after year, decade after decade, even after Mom moved up to Wilmington years ago.
They delighted in one another – their interactions and conversations were some of the best things that ever happened in my mother’s life, and she missed her so much when Mary Sue passed just a couple years ago.
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I can’t mention every friend, of course, even though Mom enjoyed them all so much. But I have to mention one more in particular, and that is her dear and special friend, Jane.
I’m pretty sure they met when they both worked as waitresses at the L&K restaurant – and from then on they would share so many special times together, a unique friendship with a uniquely shared sense of humor that only special friends can enjoy.
Betty Jo and Jane were there for each other through good times and bad, one supporting the other when they each needed it most.
And Jane continued to be that kind of friend to Mom to the very end, trying to help lift her spirits, getting her out of the house when Mom’s opportunities were few, and encouraging her to make the hard choices that she needed to make as she made the move to Lansing. Friends like that are rare and precious.
But today I also want to express our family’s deep gratitude to my mother’s amazing neighbors.
Jean, Lloyd and Jane were extraordinarily kind and helpful to my mother, being available to assist and encourage however needed, day after day after day, in all kinds of ways – from keeping her yard in great shape when she could no longer do it herself, to the many trips to the grocery, or the doctor, or the drug store.
They kept a watchful eye over her, helping her feel safe even once she was widowed and living alone
And there was much more, like taking her for rides that included a crucial stop at Dairy Farmers for an ice cream soda.
Or taking time for leisurely chats on Mom’s front porch…. And especially generous, Christ-imitating actions, like being ready when needed to guide her down the steps to their basement when tornadoes might be getting too close.
These dear neighbors were also my mom’s dear friends, and they were the key reason that she was able to stay in her home as long as she did, and I can never thank them enough.
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But then, as I said, these last few months have been hard and unhappy ones for my mom, and therefore hard days for those of us who loved her and wanted the best for her even once her dementia stole her good judgment and cruelly confused her memory, so that we could not just go along with what she wanted.
During this very difficult time, my sister’s interactions with her – the phone calls where Mom would move back and forth from irrational anger to agitation and despair – with Karen patiently listening and seeking to console (even while experiencing health challenges of her own).
Those talks would be about the only thing that could calm Mom’s heart, so that she could end the call by telling Karen, “I love you.”
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And as I tried my best to do for Mom whatever needed to be done, I was helped all along the way by some extraordinary friends from Lansing and from the church where I’m privileged to be one of the pastors.
So many brothers and sisters were praying, and there were at least a dozen of these real-world saints who acted in extraordinarily generous and helpful ways, doing whatever needed to be done to help my mother, and in doing so, being such an enormous help to me.
I will say more to you in the days ahead, and I hope I’ll have opportunities to be at least half as good a friend to you, as you have most definitely been to me.
But my greatest friend and helper through all of this has been my wife, Becky. The way she has loved and patiently cared for my mom, especially in times when it was considered unwise for me to connect with Mom, has made me appreciate and love her all the more.
But now, to finish, I want to speak as a Christian believer.
I have said rather a lot today about Mom’s unhappiness at the end of her life. But now I need to correct myself. I should have said, ‘the end of her EARTHLY life’.
Because, for the Christian – and my Mom’s faith in Christ was simple, but real – the end of life in this world is simply not the end. In fact, it’s barely the beginning.
The Bible says that, because Christ was raised from death, those united by faith to Him will also be raised and welcomed to be with Him in His glorious kingdom forever.
Since this is a eulogy, and Pastor Hinman is bringing the sermon, I will cut to the chase and say, because of Jesus Christ and His atoning death and victorious resurrection, every soul who trusts in Him is going to end up perfectly and irreversibly happy!
And this new, and enduring and irreversible happiness begins in Heaven – ‘to be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord’ and ‘in his presence is fulness of joy’.
Every now and then this past week since she died, a wave of grief can swamp me out of nowhere – and at just those times I try to remind myself of what the Word of God promises and what the saving Grace of God guarantees, and that’s this: that my mom, who while on this earth often had a very hard time being happy, is now finally and forever, fully and gloriously happy all the time.
Her mind is clear, her eyes are bright again with intelligence and wit, her laughter is free and full, her body is whole and it is now, all the time, every day, ‘well with her soul.’
Now, even she who was so addicted to worrying about what evils might lie ahead, has been finally cured of her addiction because, for the Redeemed in glory, there are no more evils ahead – ever.
Rev. 21:1- 5...
Then I, John, saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, …
2 And I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among men, he will dwell with them.
They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
So it makes me very, very glad, today, even through tears, to think of my mom being perfectly and permanently happy fully included and welcome home in the midst of all the rest of the redeemed, reunited with her beloved Paul, and with so many believing family and friends.
And there’s no one and no thing that can ever again sabotage or spoil her joy.
I don’t know exactly what her ‘mansion in glory’ looks like – but I do know a few things: it has a nice wide front porch adorned with beautiful flowers with a bird bath at one end and a metal pink flamingo from Lowe’s at the other….and there’s not a leashless dog in sight!
And to be honest, when I was thinking of all this the other night – thinking about how the great and gracious Lord Jesus could take an often troubled and worried and agitated person like my Mom, and bring her to a place and perfect her into a person who is now forever glad, it struck me very deeply: what a wonderful Savior He must be. What a glorious Savior He is!
